My Defects

I have been careless and unaware of the consequences of my behavior.

For example:

  • At the age of 7 or 8, I hit my next door neighbor with a souvenir baseball bat while practicing a swing and left before I saw him get back up.
While I did manage to notify his mother before I left, here's what happened next:
  • Rather than seeking to amend the relationship, I obsessed on my Man from Uncle Briefcase, with built in Pea shooter, and tried to talk my mother into letting me get a Bowie Knife.
  • The girl next door neighbor tried to talk me into relying on God, but I was more interested in finding a four leaf clover.
  • And, when my mother found a new home for us, rather than being grateful for the new start, I focused my attention on how I would be able to best the new man in her life.
  • When I realized I couldn't compete with the little guy because he was so strong, I blamed our culture for belittling him, instead of admitting the fact that I couldn't do anything about it.

And, though I've always believed in being good and doing right, I was not prepared to deal with evil or vengeance until I encountered it in my own life, and by then, I needed help.

For example:

  • While I went to rescue my daughter, another child was destroyed in order to silence me, and prevent me from my opportunity.
  • And, when I worked with others who were also seeking justice, and they died, I did not realize that they may have died because they were seeking justice too.
  • And finally, while following instructions may not have worked for me when I was a child, as I grew up and continued to follow instructions, I realized I was learning my lessons from childhood.
If being a snitch is considered a problem, keep track of who you're talking to. And if who your talking too isn't causing the problem, is somebody else watching?

What I Failed to Do:

  • Because I despaired, I failed to do what I needed to do. Because I failed to do what I needed to do, I could not make use of my talents.
  • Though it is clear that I've been forgiven in many ways, I have not been able to forgive everything I've encountered.
  • I am not always willing to take the blame for others.
  • I have not always respected the privacy and/or confidence of others, even though they may have killed to silence me (please see: Hate Crime Scene).
  • I have been unable to prevent much of the harm that continues to myself and others.
  • Failing to notice what bothers others, I fail to address the most important problems in my life (please see: Transpositions).
  • Not doing my work well, I may fail those that govern, and those I seek to protect and defend.
  • I have not always given back what has been freely given to me.
  • I cannot always put the wants and needs of others before the necessities of life, or my work.
  • I cannot always prioritize my business because of the disruption and interference to my life.
  • I cannot always prioritize the care of my body, mind, or properties while meeting the demands of my business.

What I Should Have Done Instead:

  • Walk the talk, and make the most of every moment.
  • Be respectful of the boundaries of others and mind my own business.
  • Consider what might have been, rather than what already was.
  • Make amends to those I've harmed, regardless of their conduct with me.
  • Replace negative thoughts with positive experiences.
  • Respect the power of nature, the authority of those who govern, and the teachers and healers I've been lucky enough to know.
  • Take good care of myself so I can meet my obligations, and give back to the people who survive me.
  • Do right, and build my character, rather than focusing on feeling good.
  • Learn from my mistakes, and share the way out, not just the problem itself.
Defects of Character Continued...

My Penance

Gates of Repentance for the Days of Awe

(To be present and available by being of love and service to others.)

God, help me keep my conscience clear, and when I am tempted to be offensive, to remember Your patience with me. Teach me to rely on Your healing power, and to put childish things away.

Show me what to do in each questionable situation, and grant me the strength and sanity I need to do Your will.

Help me to remember all the things You've done for me, are doing for me, and will do for me.

You have plans for my eternal happiness, and are with me now in this effort to bring peace and closure to my past life.

You love me God, very much, because I am me.

Help me to grow in Your knowledge, and love through all my travails and difficulties in the past and present, because the past is still affecting my present.

Direct my thinking, may it especially be divorced from self pity, dishonest and self seeking motives.

God help us to be rid of harmful intentions towards others, and to be free from the harmful intentions of others.

Safeguard us from the trespass of creation by wrong use of names, visions, and beliefs, and keep us safe.


  • To try to be helpful to those I've harmed in whatever ways I am able.
  • To be charitable, compassionate and magnanimous.
  • To be trustworthy, and trusting, without unhealthy attachment.
  • To be responsible, accountable, loyal and true.
  • To be tender, loving, forgiving, gentle, kind, and understanding - and forsaking that, to take my leave and return when I am able.
  • To be respectful, and well mannered.
  • To be pure, and honorable.